Three Cloverfield Reviews
I can't decide how to approach reviewing this movie. I seem to get stuck on saying what happens in the movie and basically saying "that's stupid" at the end. For example, take the black chick in heels and a party dress. Any sane person would trade up for some cross trainers and some jeans given the situation, but not her and that's stupid. See what I mean? So as punishment for a lack of creativity I decided to do three reviews, each in a different style. Enjoy, or not.
What it really means... review
It's so obvious that Cloverfield is allegory to racial upheaval during the civil rights movement. The monster represents the civil rights movement, it's an unstoppable force that is destroying the entrenched racist system. The army represents forces that are resistant to change. Even though resisting is pointless, hopeless and stupid they continue on anyway desperately cling to tradition. The forces resistant to change vilify the movement every time it destroys something they hold sacred. The movement can't help it though. The main characters each represent their own things.
The brother who dies on the bridge represents the guy who doesn't acknowledge there is a problem. He's doing alright so everyone else must be too. He's not paying attention and eventually that costs him.
The chick who gets bit by the monster and explodes that is clearly in reference to the explosive growth and acceptance of equal rights and what happens to those get in the way.
The camera man represents people who will go along with anything that is popular without having a personal moral value. These people are scum. Grow a backbone and pick a side.
The black chick, well she's a poorly dressed black chick. Sure she lives but that is merely a weak attempt to placate the masses by superficially ignoring who typically dies in monster movies. Her survival is a lie. First thing she was off camera her helicopter exploded and crashed into a sentient volcano who happened to be erupting at that very moment and it gleefully consumed the crashing helicopter and everyone inside while making disturbing "OM NOM NOM NOM" sounds.
Rob and Beth represent a couple who has to deal with a brave new world but all they manage to do is lose all their friends and through an inability to adapt they lose everything. Eventually they turn to drugs and end up homeless. Rob dies from exposure that winter and Beth writes a book that flops and is thrown into a river wearing cement shoes by a loan shark with a heart made of some other substance far removed from gold. He fronted her the money to write the book, but she didn't pay up when the time came. That is a prime example of street justice.
As you can see Cloverfield is deep and if you're a deep thinker you will appreciate the subtleties that this movie presents. Don't expect your average movie goer to get it though. All they will see is brief cuts of a giant creature running amok.
The Pat Robertson/Jerry Falwell Review
If we could label one nexus for godlessness New York would be it. Cloverfield is an example, a cautionary tale of what might happen when God finally exacts justice on those vile New Yorkers. I also think it's fitting that all the main characters die throughout the movie because it's obvious they're all fornicators and they don't give a hoot about the Lord. I bet they care now, but it's too late for them. A little faith in God would have gone a long way my friends.
Despite Cloverfield's virtues, demonstrating how the wicked may be punished, I think it stops way too short. When God finally unleashes the gates of justice on that bastion of sin I promise you that the streets will run red with the blood of sinners in such quantities that it will erode the foundations of man made structures and they will collapse. Talk about miraculous. Any army that comes against God's vengeance would be destroyed outright. No man may oppose God's will and live.
But it is not too late for New York. If they abandon their evil ways and turn towards God they can be spared. Now for the ignorant godless masses it may be hard to know what to do, so I've prepared a list to help them get started.
- Expel gays and lesbians
- Disband the ACLU in the region
- Shut down all abortion clinics and revoke the licenses of all abortion doctors.
- Reinstate faith into every aspect of social, educational and political life.
- De-emphasize science that contradicts the infallible word of God.
- Stop using the wheel, aka circles. I call them Satan's Frisbees because they're used in everything that is fun and thus immoral. IE For pornographic DVD's and by circular-saw-blade murderers (a sub group of chainsaw murderers who don't like to be associated with chainsaw murderers because they feel they are prolific enough to have their own category).
- Outlaw any non-Christian faiths, bar their practitioners from holding any sort of power. Make them pay double taxes and throw empty beer bottles at them.
- Make feminists get married, wash dishes and read the Bible until they learn some humility and morals.
At the very least Christian parents, take your children to see this movie and explain to them this and worse is what will happen to sinners. Also explain that any virtues the main characters have or appear to have do not outweigh or cancel out their egregious sins against God. That lesson may just save your children's lives.
The Transformers Review
I asked Optimus Prime what he thought about Cloverfield and he said he was unimpressed.
Rob: So Optimus Prime, what did you think of Cloverfield?
OP: I was unimpressed.
Rob: Would you like to clarify?
OP: The monster wasn't scary at all. We [the Autobots] could have beat him easily. He wasn't even such a threat where we'd be forced to team up with the Decepticons to win.
Rob: How would you have beat him then?
OP: Well first all the standard sized transformers would surround the monster and corral him to a single point to minimize damage and human casualties. Second we'd send our gestalt teams in there. I'm talking Superion, Defensor and Computron. I'd also send in Omega Supreme just because he doesn't get enough play. It would be so amazing nerds would poop their pants just a little.
Rob: Interesting, go on.
OP: Of course this monster looks tough and huge so it would all be just a delaying action until Fortress Maximus and Metroplex arrive to clean house. Although I'm not sure why Fortress Maximus and Metroplex are always so far away from the action. Maybe there is a logistical reason I'm not aware of, I'll have to ask Ironhide.
Rob: And you think all that would cover the situation?
OP: Of course and once the fight is over we can offer our services for rescue operations and rebuilding the city. It would basically just be Tuesday for us.
Rob: Sounds good. But I'm thinking Transformers don't exist in the version of reality presented in the movie.
OP: A world without Transformers? I don't find that very likely. A more likely scenario is that the writers/director are bigots toward cybernetic life forms and they didn't want us to steal the spotlight or get credit for saving the day. In fact I am sure that Autobots stopped the monster after the movie ended. It just took us longer to get there because we were foiling some insidious Decepticon plot.
Rob: That could be true, I am not privy to the inner workings or prejudices of Holywood. But personally I think your version of Cloverfield would have made a better movie. Well the producer is signaling that our time is up, so thanks for talking to me today Mr. Prime.
OP: You're very welcome.
OP: Autubot transform and roll out! Hmm... I guess that just doesn't work in the singular.
Rob: No, no it doesn't.
Rob: Well there you have it, Cloverfield would have been a better movie if the Autobots had showed up and saved the day at the end.
**Disclaimer: The preceding reviews may contain spoilers, do not read them if you don't want the movie spoiled.
