2012 Movies That Are Going To Suck
I found a list of upcoming 2012 releases on wikipedia and some of the are going to be shockingly bad. I'm making predictions! James Randi's Million Dollars could be mine yet.
- Battleship, a movie based off the board game. Only it's not, that would be a terrible movie if it were actually based off the board game at all. So what they did was took the name of the game and made a weird alien invasion movie out of it. The ending suggests a sequel that will never be made. (Spoiler)
- Snow White & the Huntsman, this movie will suck because the premise is based on Kristen Stewart being hotter than Charlize Theron. I don't think the casting company is aware of how suspension of disbelief works. I know I am not capable of suspending my disbelief to quite that level.
- Piranha 3DD, this is an easy one. Piranha and tit jokes just don't mix.
- That's My Boy, another easy one: Adam Sandler. OK that's too easy. It's a movie where a fuck-up father tries to make up for a lifetime of fuckups the day before his son gets married and invariably he'll suck at it but then guilt his son into reconciling or something like it.
- G.I. Joe: Retaliation, this movie is retaliation for making the first one just successful enough that the movie studio decided to sodomize a beloved childhood franchise again.
- Total Recall, it's a remake. Will it be as good as the original? I'm betting no.
- The Bourne Legacy, the Bourne trilogy was good enough. But now Matt Damon has better things to do so they're gonna try to go it without him and ride on the name. Back to the Future Part IV stands a better chance of being a good movie if it existed or anyone was dumb enough to make it.
- Looper, it has a plot eerily similar to a Kids in the Hall skit where a mob boss hires a hitman to kill himself.
- Butter, a movie about a butter sculpting contest. Good luck...
- Paranormal Activity 4, a cookie cutter sequel that if I am lucky I won't have to have a conversation with anyone who believes this shit is real.
- Red Dawn, a remake to the best cold war 1980's era movie ever. According to the wikipedia it was originally slated to have the Chinese invade but distributors got worried about pissing off a billion and a half people or something so North Korea replaces China as the antagonist country. There's fiction and then there's unbelievable impossible bullshit. China is believable if only barely, but North Korea is not. North Korea can't even produce a decent board game outlining this movie's plot let alone actually engage in it. Canadian Bacon is more plausible.
- Wreck-It Ralph, it's a bizarre animated film about video games. I am guessing a cross between Red vs Blue, Cool World and Tron from the plot synopsis and I don't get a good feeling about it.
- Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2, I'm sure it will make a lot of money. That doesn't mean it's any good. Star Wars The Phantom Menace is proof of that.
- Ted, a guy lives with his stuffed teddy bear that he wished to life when he was a kid. Eventually this becomes a problem for the guy when he decides he wants to stick his penis in ladies and the teddy bear cramps his style. I foresee that Ted is Alvin and the Chipmunks for grownups.
- Ice Age: Continental Drift, a bunch of actors no one wants to see anymore need a job so they keep making these movies and parents keep buying them so they can get 85 minutes of peace and quiet.
By: Brock | On: Sun, April 29th, 2012 - 09:01 AM