Civilization (SNES)

In Civilization (SNES), Gaea, the spirit of the Earth appoints you leader of a country that you choose. I always choose America because it's the best. But regardless of what country you choose, you're the leader, you're the boss, forever. Democracy? You can have it in name, but since you can never be voted out of office it's a sham. This also means that you're immortal. While normally immortality would be burden, I guess if you were in charge of the greatest nation on the greatest planet it wouldn't be the worst pill to swallow.


We're discussing how much candle power the children of his nation will glow at when I send them my shiniest nukes.

In the beginning you're the leader of a small, pitiful, wandering, smelly band of proto-Americans. You wander around till you find a suitable spot and settle the first American city. From there you start the process of research, development, and expansion that takes place over several millennium. But you're not alone and sometimes you'll run into or run afoul of neighboring nations. Now you could try to be diplomatic about it, but unless you're some kind of putz the only reasonable answer for most international situations is genocide. And war is not a problem unless you're really clueless on the value of individual technologies. Assuming you're not retarded you should have nuclear weapons shortly after the birth of Christ. And Christ better keep a low profile if he knows what's good for him because nukes have no concept of divinity.

Now eventually the excessive use of nuclear weapons causes severe global warming. Nations are being destroyed and even America's otherwise invincible cities are being destroyed by the encroaching deluge. The objective of the game takes a turn here, instead of nuking the shit out of inferior nations you now need to divert all resources to build a spaceship to get you and a few thousand of America's elites evacuated off Earth, which is totally doomed by the way. There are plenty of pristine planets to start over on and maybe this time there won't be any uppity neighbors to nuke.

Everyone who is left behind will be alright, if they've seen Waterworld that is. Grow some gills folks, you might need them to get dirt a few handfuls at a time. Adios.

Rating: The best thing involving nuclear holocaust since the movie WarGames.

By: Brock | On: Thu, October 16th, 2008 - 04:16 AM