How To Become A Hacker

There is something mysterious and cool about hackers. They're always featured on TV doing super human feats of high tech wizardry. A person can only be exposed to so much of the mystique and glamor before they decide to become a hacker themselves. The only problem is such people rarely know where to get started and what they really need to know to become the next CNN headline. If said people know me or even see me walking down the street they will inundate me an endless wall of questions that I am tired of answering them. So I'm writing this page as an ultimate quick start guide to hacking that I can refer legions of people to so I can get some peace and quiet, finally.

The first thing a wannabe hacker is going to want to do is start learning l33tspeak. It's one part English, one part math, one part art and one part disregarding sensible grammar. L33tspeak is the art of mangling boring old English so that it appears techy looking and intimidating to normies*. L33tspeak is created by what seems like adding random numbers and capital letters to words and phrases. There is a method to the madness, but explaining it all goes beyond the scope of this page. Coincidentally l33tspeak is not only the most modern, efficient and hacker way to communicate, it's also the stuff of strong passwords. In short learn l33tspeak, it's critically important to being a hacker.

The next thing a newb hacker will want to do is learn hex, short for hexadecimal. You see, normies count from 0-9, hackers count from 0-f. Normies use a 10 digit number system because that's all their peanut brains can handle, hackers use a 16 digit number system because they are superior people, six better than normal people in fact. Many things in the computing world are governed by hexadecimal values so knowing them is critically important. Pop quiz; In hexadecimal what comes after 9? If you said 10, you fail. Your penance for being dumb is doing FA push-ups, if you don't know how many push-ups FA is and cannot figure it out, just keep doing push-ups until you die.

There are also some documentaries a would be hacker ought to watch that will cover a wide range of hacker subjects such as; hacker history, hacker ethics, hacker culture, dealing with normie society, hacker skills & techniques, ideas for righteous hacks and pretty much anything one would need to know to unlock their inner uberhacker. These films can be watched in no particular order, but I recommend chronological order because that's what Jesus would want.

WarGames is a historical documentary about hacking in the early 80's. You may think that because the technology is archaic that it has nothing to teach you outside of history, you may think this is especially true the minute you see an 8 inch floppy. But you learn about important things like backdoors and hacking your high school's network because of your poor grades. You're a hacker now, you have better things to do than homework and worrying about grades. WarGames highlights the not so glamorous side of hacking with an information gathering montage that shows you what one might expect when trying to break into the backdoor of a military supercomputer.

Hackers is a documentary filmed in real time and a must watch all inclusive guide to modern hacking. Everything you ever wanted to know about hackers is addressed in this film. The importance of backdoors are mentioned so take note, backdoors are a staple hacker strategy. Another important subject is the importance of a handle/pseudonym. Seriously, do you want to be hacked by Dade Murphy or Zero Cool? So start thinking about cool names, you'll need one.

Hackers also shows us that all hacking is done in a graphically intensive 3D GUI. As a result skill in 3D games plays a big role in hacking and navigating the intense 3D environments that banks, corporations and government systems always use. So when you're not h4x0r'ing someone's face off you should be playing a RTS, RPG or FPS game and it should be 3D.

Finally, one of the most important things in Hackers; Jolt Cola. Jolt Cola is the unofficial official drink of hackers everywhere. If you want that boost of energy needed to hack a Gibson you'll need some Jolt Cola to see you through. Start buying it by the case, you're gonna need it.

Further viewing: Tron, Lawnmower Man

In general hackers make a lot of threats towards anyone who commits any sort of infraction against them, real or imagined. In fact 90% of hacking is threats and intimidation. So hackers act very much like the Frilled-neck Lizard, in the hopes of frightening someone without having to actually be dangerous or really do any work. If you want threats and intimidation to work it is really important to at least learn enough terminology to sound dangerous. When someone crosses you make sure to lay the law down with some serious verbal hacker style abuse. One bit of advice though, make sure to mix the rhetoric up every once in a while. Most people already know about viruses and backdoors so drop something fresh in like trojans, worms, VPN tunneling, hacking their IP, frying their CPU, frying their boot table, sodomize their master boot record, stuff like that. Be creative, chances are the victim doesn't know apples from oranges, so just make sure it sounds really bad and you're 99% of the way to a sucessful hack.

Of course after you have mastered all of the above you might get to the point where you want to have some actual hacking skills. Don't worry copper top I've got you covered there too. First learn some l33t programing languages like HTML and CSS. Next get the well known hacking tools like AIM, uTorrent and Daemon Tools. Never hack ip 127.0.0.1 unless you're really good and ready to bring the pain. Learn how to play chess, all hackers play Kasprov level chess. And don't forget to download the Prodigy discography, all hackers only listen to techno because it's music for smart people. Finally, get a lifetime subscription to 2600: The Hacker Quarterly, even if you don't understand anything in it. It's important for the image and evetually you might learn something useful.

Well that's everything you need to know to become a competant hacker, the rest is up to you. Happy hacking.

*Normies: People who are not hackers. People who brag about their tech ignorance as if it is something to be proud of. They often boast about their ability to get drunk and interface their genitals with those of another homo sapien. Which, according to them, is the pinnacle goal of human existence.

By: Brock | On: Fri, November 2nd, 2007 - 09:32 PM