I Am Legend

Is it just me or am I the only one who is tired of the super-zombie trend? I know old school zombies are out of fashion because they're weak, stupid, slow and only dangerous in enclosed spaces and in vast numbers. The solution is to make modern zombies completely the opposite. In I Am Legend a virus has turned everyone into your typical modern zombies and only one man is left, Robert Neville. It's Neville versus the zombies, and this is how they stack up.

A zombie

Zombie Strengths

Zombie Weaknesses

Enhanced sense of smell
Can open their mouths really really huge
Perhaps they can unhinge their jaws
And eat a baby whole
Bellowing roar beyond any human vocal range
About a 50 million of them
Can tear a house apart like tinfoil
Ability to headbutt solid objects into oblivion singlehandedly, including SUV's

UV Light
Not Immortal
No medical coverage



Neville's Strengths

Neville's Weaknesses

Has a german shepard
Immune to the virus

Might be going crazy
Talks to inanimate objects
Has a crush on a mannequin
Afraid of the dark
Has to be home before sundown
Underestimates the zombies
Makes bad decisions repeatedly
Not a robot
Drives crazy
Afraid of lions
Likes Bob Marley
Cannot make his house zombie proof
Has used up all the peanut butter in NYC
Not enough practical weapons
Doesn't own a tank or a flamethrower
Watches movies in alphabetical order
Victim of Apple ad-placement

Neville spends his days doing the coolest shit possible without any threat of prosecution and then moping about it. Sometimes he works on finding a cure for the virus, although I'm not sure why. Reviving mankind would just wreck the wonderful one man utopia he lives in. The first hour of this flick clearly demonstrates that the one man post apocalyptic zombie infested utopia is the life for me.

But it all gets ruined and the movie takes a turn for mediocrity when Neville assaults a mannequin with an assault rifle. But from what I remember, a Mexican and mime rescue Neville from some bad CGI when his poorly executed revenge on the zombies backfires after his dog is killed from his earlier mannequin assaulting stupidity. The Mexican is a Catholic missionary and starts lecturing Neville about God and how he shouldn't eat bacon on Good Friday. Neville tries to use math against the Mexican in an attempt to prove that there is no God. The Mexican dismisses everything Neville says, drags him down to her level and beats him with experience thus proving why one should not argue with idiots/religious people. Then the zombies drop by and offer to remodel Neville's house. There is some disagreement about the window treatments and a scuffle ensues. In a fit of rage Neville decides to demolish his house with a Holy Hand Grenade and move across the street. But he makes the classic Holy Hand Grenade blunder and counts to four instead of stopping at three. The resulting explosion kills everyone but the mime and the Mexican who are hiding in a safe telling each other ghost stories. The next day the Mexican and the mime drive to Vermont and join a religious arts monastery. The end.

Rating: When Neville shoots Fred it's time for a very long bathroom break, at home, away from the last half of the movie.

By: Brock | On: Mon, December 31st, 2007 - 10:55 PM