Petition to Rename Washington D.C. to Mos Eisley

With the popularity and run away success of online petitions I am creating a petition to rename Washington D.C. to Mos Eisley: Because you'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Sure sure, there's less sand in D.C. and than on Tatooine, there's not two suns, nor are their aliens, a space port, and the people are better dressed. I know who the people are who would bring these criticisms up, people who don't understand what an analogy is.

If one subculture of the population is like the Hutts it's the mafia. But that's not convenient for my theme, what is convenient casting politicians as the Hutts. But politicians aren't intergalactic crime lords you say? Trust me they are even though they lack the technology to extend their influence beyond the confines of Earth, that's just a technicality and only a temporary situation.

I'm going to go so far as to suggest that political-speak should be reclassified as it's own language; Huttese. That way we can legally have subtitles when politicians open their big fat stupid lying-so-much-it's-criminal mouths. Think of all the jobs it would create for Huttese to English translators. Of course the Hutts won't like it if people really knew what they're saying, but I say fuck 'em. Even when people decipher Huttese now the Hutts just shuck and jive until their message is watered down and meaningless. The Hutts just don't want to have to deal with it in real time.

The one of the benefits of defining Huttese is it will put to rest all the rhetoric about English being the official language of the U.S. because Hutts have spent so much time speaking Huttese that they've forgotten English. And they won't crusade for an official language they don't speak. Of course some of the Hutts might be so arrogant to continue the English crusade anyway to get a few more votes, but then their outrage over being forced to go to English classes would be delicious. Either way I win.

Furthermore I think politicians and people whose job is solely within the realm of politics should have to dress in Hutt costumes.  If we're renaming cities and defining languages we should go the whole nine yards. Generally speaking politicians are the worst, but they blend in with professional types to easily. But if they were dressed as Hutts they would be easily spotted and thus easily avoided. Of course the Hutts will feel a bit discriminated against because when push comes to shove no one likes them, they're assholes after all, they're Hutts.

If the Universe has an asshole it's definitely the Hutt home world (Nal Hutta). Granted our Hutts were almost certainly born on Earth, which is well known to be something boring like the toenail of the Universe. But clearly our Hutts, at some point in their lineage, have a legitimate Hutt ancestor. Clearly their heritage manifests itself in their apparent Hutt-like behavior which causes them to be politicians and aides them in politics.

Of course all this Hutt talk begs the question; why are we electing Hutts in the first place? Naturally it's because we haven't done enough to identify Hutts in our society. Which is exactly why we have to identify them so we're ale to marginalize and mitigate Hutt antics. But until that day I just wish the Hutts would stop carbon freezing our roguish smugglers for their own amusement.

I'll be the first to admit I don't like Hutts. But the biggest problem I face is that Hutts all look alike to me. I know it's racist, but I'm sorry, they just all look alike. They look alike, they sound alike and by that I mean they look stupid and sound dumb. I can't even remember if it was Mitt Romney the Hutt who froze Han Solo and Jabba the Hutt who is running for President or the other way around. Was it Obama the Hutt who built the Dark Saber battle station and Durga the Hutt who passed the Affordable Healthcare Act? Can we number them? Or maybe color code them? I don't have all the answers, but something needs to be done. I just want to make sure I'm blaming the right Hutt for whatever they've done wrong.

By: Brock | On: Mon, August 13th, 2012 - 07:05 PM